AWOLNATION has been a new addiction. I just love their songs and lyrics. For those who never knew, my only addiction, ever in life, has been Music - any genre.
I look back at my past near thirty years, leaving ten of these as carefree childhood, the next ten in deep introspection of Life that I have lived, and the million+ lives I've got a chance to learn from, through their lives, their interpretations, their observations, their mistakes. What I've learnt in this last almost-decade is nothing much compared to the middle ten years. It was mildly irritating, and frustratingly repetitive.
But I've had a deeper insight into our perceptions and those of people who merely breathe to manipulate, and manipulate to satisfy their shortcomings in life, to satisfy their envious minds.
A tiny bit of this observation was a very difficult anomaly I've had to accept and acknowledge. Men lovingly call it a fact of life or truth of the sexes. But I'd like to call it a superficial urban feminine fickle-mindedness.
But every new day I contemplated over this itsy bit of life, the more depressingly obvious it gets. So I just have to burn it out onto a keyboard.
Every tenth man, making a silly mistake, has a jealous woman feeding his mind with some form of misunderstanding and hatred towards the person she is jealous of[and quite often this other person will be a woman]. Surprisingly enough, the man either falls for it, or does it to please the woman. But believe it or not, sometimes some men do behave like a jealous woman too. In either case, men are at a loss.
It was way back in 2009 that I understood the feeling of jealousy. It was a simple action between two friends. A hug. I was so confused! Didn't know why it upset me so much! Leave alone a small simple fact that I often hug my friends. I was upset, nervous, angry and confused. I'd never felt like this before. Nervous, shaking, I walked for hours, till finally I called up one trusted friend and described what just happened. and then I started blabbering things like I know this is the dreadful feeling I'll have if I find out the man I love eventually might fall for someone else instead! and I further dreaded my imaginary dreadful future situation! How hilariously ironic! It wasn't until I reached home that the candle burst into flame and I burst out laughing - Jealous! I was jealous! because I did not have the freedom to hug this new friend of mine. He'd hug me anytime he'd want. and he was allowing someone else to hug him at will! I really was jealous of that beautiful moment. But my thoughts had already jumped to an imaginary future, that I still think about often. I didn't want this feeling around if a man I love and care for, who has loved and cared for me, would leave me for someone else. I should want to kick his butt for having lied instead! ..and the whole episode drives me into a hilarious self-chiding laughter, every time I remember that day. Was I such a naive doofus all this while, even when a child? Nope. When I looked back and dug through my mother's memories too, passing on indirect questions hinting at jealousy between me and my brother. She said at any point either of us happened to have one thing that the other wanted too, we'd either agree to share, or one would agree to have something else instead. Mutual understanding. We did have sibling wars later in our late teenage years, most probably to fill up this weird jealousy void, me thinks!! But it is this same mutual understanding that helped us stand for each other, in times of extreme stress, in the absence of our loving parents and when absolutely necessary.
Men are a mutinous lot to commitments.. but in old India, there was a time when partnerships were made to last. A time when people had the courage and patience, coupled with enough sense and understanding to fix things. I see some couples who have that between them. It's a beautiful feeling. That simple mutual understanding. The strength that comes of it doubles up and helps them walk a rough road whenever and wherever they cross it.
I used to feel my scars were too big and they made me too weak to share a happy stride with a man. Platonic love was always possible, but to allow my heart and brain to cave in to having a beau was unthinkable, particularly, when chances were that I'd be dead by 21. Which of course, had I trusted my will and knew it well, was not going to happen. But logic and people were pointing in the other direction. So it was obvious that I should painstakingly say NO to every young man who asked me out. I had an obligation made to myself: to protect every member of my family. A simple task it may seem to many. Everyone does it, some say. But think if a number of people have been harassing you and your family, ostracizing you from the outside world that you have come to love and respect, trying hard at driving the entire family to a point of no return[I have actually read on as many cases in India, where people have either lost their minds, committed suicide or murdered in plain sight]. To protect such an emotionally driven lot from the bunch of devious idiots and keeping your own sanity and help family keep their own and push them ahead to take a breath of fresh air, is not as easy as it sounds, no matter how easy you may make it sound. But if a woman has the courage to stand up through the roughs, and still have hopes to get back to what was most important to her life: Scientific curiosity, she's definitely deserving of not just walking but rushing through endeavors, running towards goals, making silly mistakes, winning a few miles, with a man beside her all the way, pushing each other through their objectives, sharing a secret silence, laughing away, discarding their worries, looking forward to new days. Maybe they'll get married. Maybe they'll be committed to each other so much that the word 'marriage' would dissolve in front of them.
Though I realize I've just made a confession of being a day-dreaming, romantic, I cannot deny the simple fact that being single has it's amazing charms too. ..to both men and women. and I'm enjoying both these moments of me being Happily single having found what I have always wanted to do with my life and this new found wish to give love a chance.
To all my diamonds in the rough: Here's a screaming banshee saying out loud I LOVE YOU ALL using every chance to tell you to make the best in your lives. I'll always want to push you when you pause in self-doubt.
and in that angst in being REAL and MODERN, and your virtual RUSH at trying to live, don't forget Life is in the small things. So don't rush with your judgements. Because the small things are barely noticeable if you are at Mach3.
